You know… It is always a toss up for me on how much I want to share on my blog. I’m a notoriously private person and I really rarely ever share my personal insights with anyone but my closest friends and family… and even then I sometimes leave out what I feel is private. But here, I share my feelings and write candidly about how I feel, but at the same time I don’t write about where I live or anything that identifies me more than the scroll bar on my blog. With all of the accessibility, exposure, and scandal associated with the internet, I find that a little bit of anonymity helps me be more honest, and I think that honesty is always good.
But for those of you who have been following along for a while, I finally graduated from law school a few weeks ago. I am so glad that I am done with that chapter of my life… and as I looked around in that crowded theatre with everyone shouting, crying, and laughing for the joy of graduation I felt a little dead inside. I am so happy that I went and finished law school, but law school is not that biggest accomplishment, nor is it one that I am so proud of either. Law school was something I needed to do, but it is not something that made me a happier person, or a better piece of society. Sometimes I’m resentful of that because I spent so much time of my precious time and money to finish, but in the end I upheld my promise to get through and finish law school so that I could use the information I used for something more valuable in my life and in the lives of others.
I moved out of Baltimore, and I am back in suburban New York. It’s a weird feeling. After 3 years of constantly peeking behind me and carrying pepper spray and watching my step with such caution… I can leave my windows open all the time. I can walk my dog at midnight. I can go for a run after dark. I feel like I can finally breath a little… but I have the bar exam at the end of July and I want to cry a little bit every day. It’s not hard, it’s just a lot of work and I worry about this all consuming rage that I feel all the time. It’s hard to channel my anger to my studies, because sometimes I’m just so angry I tire myself out.
I wonder a lot these days about what happens next. What I want to do next. What I am going to do after this summer is over. I need a new purpose in life, because up until now my education and work has been tailored to me getting into law school… I just didn’t think too much about what happens next. I always imagined that I would get a job as a high powered attorney and have bragging rights to those huge IPOs and mergers I loved reading about. And then I thought that with all that money I would make for those big corporations, I would retire early and travel around helping people that needed it most. But since law school, my priorities have changed. I want to find something that makes me positively giddy. I went to my 5 year reunion and I met up with a friend that I haven’t seen in years… and he was positively thrilled with his job and his life. He was thrilled to be where he was… thrilled to be alive and allowed to do his job. And me? I want that.
So, this is the summer of endings, finalizations, and new chapters…