You know… It is always a toss up for me on how much I want to share on my blog. I’m a notoriously private person and I really rarely ever share my personal insights with anyone but my closest friends and family… and even then I sometimes leave out what I feel is private. But here, I share my feelings and write candidly about how I feel, but at the same time I don’t write about where I live or anything that identifies me more than the scroll bar on my blog. With all of the accessibility, exposure, and scandal associated with the internet, I find that a little bit of anonymity helps me be more honest, and I think that honesty is always good.

But for those of you who have been following along for a while, I finally graduated from law school a few weeks ago. I am so glad that I am done with that chapter of my life… and as I looked around in that crowded theatre with everyone shouting, crying, and laughing for the joy of graduation I felt a little dead inside. I am so happy that I went and finished law school, but law school is not that biggest accomplishment, nor is it one that I am so proud of either. Law school was something I needed to do, but it is not something that made me a happier person, or a better piece of society. Sometimes I’m resentful of that because I spent so much time of my precious time and money to finish, but in the end I upheld my promise to get through and finish law school so that I could use the information I used for something more valuable in my life and in the lives of others.

I moved out of Baltimore, and I am back in suburban New York. It’s a weird feeling. After 3 years of constantly peeking behind me and carrying pepper spray and watching my step with such caution… I can leave my windows open all the time. I can walk my dog at midnight. I can go for a run after dark. I feel like I can finally breath a little… but I have the bar exam at the end of July and I want to cry a little bit every day. It’s not hard, it’s just a lot of work and I worry about this all consuming rage that I feel all the time. It’s hard to channel my anger to my studies, because sometimes I’m just so angry I tire myself out.

I wonder a lot these days about what happens next. What I want to do next. What I am going to do after this summer is over. I need a new purpose in life, because up until now my education and work has been tailored to me getting into law school… I just didn’t think too much about what happens next. I always imagined that I would get a job as a high powered attorney and have bragging rights to those huge IPOs and mergers I loved reading about. And then I thought that with all that money I would make for those big corporations, I would retire early and travel around helping people that needed it most. But since law school, my priorities have changed. I want to find something that makes me positively giddy. I went to my 5 year reunion and I met up with a friend that I haven’t seen in years… and he was positively thrilled with his job and his life. He was thrilled to be where he was… thrilled to be alive and allowed to do his job. And me? I want that.

So, this is the summer of endings, finalizations, and new chapters…

Today, I woke up and for the first time since the beginning of February, I felt better about everything. My apartment is still a walking disaster, and smells mildly weird, but I felt great. And? It feels like winter today. It’s frigid and I saw a couple flakes of snow. And… I love LOVE the kind of cold weather that takes your breath away and makes your eyes tear. It hurts and it’s amazing.

Anyway, as I was sitting reading for class I thought…. Good riddance February. I’m glad we’re moving on. I was totally and utterly ill at the beginning of February, and just as my fever and cough started to get better, my poor puppy went and got some stomach problems. After a week of vile and bloody stool, she is finally feeling better. She’s playing and even cuter than normal because she finally feels better. I felt awful for her while she sat around listlessly feeling miserable, so I’m even happier that she’s so playful. The medication and the food she has to eat is pretty gross, but anything to see her grab a dryer sheet and maul it like it’s alive… Does anyone else’s dog do this? Boo will go crazy for a dryer sheet… used or new, it doesn’t matter. She loves them.

What did I learn in February?

1. To appreciate every single thing I have. Boo has been healthy and issue free since I got her 4 years ago, and this was the first time she was sick. So for that, I am thankful. I am thankful she is a healthy little trouble maker.
2. To take myself seriously. I try not to stress about anything – because life is good. But I think I need to take myself just a bit more seriously.
3. Family is the best.
4. The friends that can listen to you freak out about your dog and watch you bite your nails, and put up with your hysterics about your dog? Those are the ones to keep. My best friend Kara? She was absolute gold this last week when I was losing my mind over my sick puppy.
5. Goat butter is absolutely revolting. Maybe it was the kind I bought, but I was curious and instantly not curious anymore after tasting it. It’s gamey and tastes mildly of furry beast. And it’s an unnerving white. It’s more like lard texture. And… I just don’t like it.
6. Homemade mac and cheese has nothing on Velveeta. Sorry, for all you folks that go through the trouble of making it from scratch… but that shit is disgusting. I reviewed over 100 recipes before settling on one that everyone said is the best. I bought exactly the right cheese and following the instructions to a T. The result? It smelled like Play-Doh and tasted doughy and awful. It was a waste of 2 pounds of expensive cheese and time. Never again. NEVER.
7. Coconut oil, the virgin kind, is possibly the best thing ever. It makes fried onions taste delicious and adds just that perfect exoticness to boring sautéed vegetables that are otherwise boring. I dab it on my feet before I go to sleep, and those cracked heels are suddenly just a bit smoother. So, it’s excellent.
8. Middle of the night crazy… the kind where I wake up at 3:00am and get my work done? Those are the best nights. And, I have decided to go with my internal clock… the one that tells me to wake up and get stuff done, even if it is crazy.
9.  I absolutely abhor re-heated meat. I dislike anything frozen too. It just loses the flavor and I end of picking at it with a disgusted look on my face.
10. I love burgers and cheese. Just. LOVE them.

So. Cheers to March, a new month and a clean slate. This is going to be the best month yet, followed by even better months.

I am a night owl… in the worst possible way. The minute the clock turns midnight, it’s like magic happens and I’m suddenly motivated to do work. Most nights, you can find me in my apartment with the lights blazing, soft music, and me…. in my underwear puttering around geting work done. I spend most of my days falling asleep in lecture, and lying on my futon watching tv shows on hulu.com… and letting my books sit by the door. But the minute everyone else is tired and falling asleep, I’m alert and working. As a kid, my mom used to pad out to the kitchen in the middle of the night and find me by the rounded light working on something or another. The quiet of the night has always agreed with me.

The past few weeks have been challenging in terms of getting work done for me because I’ve been on and off battling a semi-cold. It’s one of those bugs that you just kind of don’t feel good…. and are just kind of okay. My sister thinks it’s because I’m stressed… but with the inordinate quantity of sleep and vitamin packs I’ve been consuming… I’m convinced I’ve kicked it. Plus my insurance carrier really sucks and the doctors give me dates in March for a check up. It’s ridiculous… who makes appointments because they don’t feel good a month from the day they don’t feel good? No wonder healthcare in the USA fails so miserably. Anyway, until I go in for the “emergency” appointment on March whatever, I’m convincing myself I’m okay.  (Did I mention I fell down the stairs on Saturday and sprained my ankle? The good one too…)

Anyway. In the dead of the night, I make little things. Most of the time it’s stew or something hearty for the next morning. A couple nights ago I took the very neglected grilled sirloin in my fridge and made a stew. Last night I made heaps of coleslaw. And tonight? I made little carrot fritters. My mom used to make these amazing vegetable pancakes. I remember her turning on the hallway fan and opening the windows and frying these little pancakes… the cross breeze would freeze your fingers and feet as you tip-toed to reach those delicious pancakes. I’ve asked her before, but she always says the same thing, when I ask for the recipe. “A little of this…. a little of that… maybe a fistful of that… cut like that… you know….” She always laughs when people ask her for recipes… she told me once that all she did was follow recipes on the back of boxes. Hah! I doubt that very much Mama… I know there is more to your magic than the backs of boxes!

So true to my mama, this is how I made my little carrot fritters.

I shredded 1/2 a white onion with my mandoline. Then I sliced 2 medium/large carrots on an extreme bias on my mandoline. I stacked those slices and cut them into thin strips. In a bowl, I tossed the white onion and carrot with a couple teaspoons of cornstarch. Since I recently discovered I bought 2 huge containers of cumin… I added a generous shake of cumin. Salt and pepper because I like grinding them. Then I added about 1/2 a cup of flour and about 1/2 a cup of water. I stirred until the carrots were coated in a batter… the consistency should be like pancake batter. I then dropped little bunches of the battered vegetables into hot oil and fried until crisp.

I ate them all and didn’t bother to take pictures… but I thought I’d share this little midnight snack with you.

Obviously, these fritters will taste good in the light of day too… but I’m partial to the little pools of light and cooking in my underwear in the middle of the night. (And the lawyer in me is telling you that when frying foods in oil that it is best to wear an apron that sufficiently protects you because oil splatters and you shouldn’t be wearing next to nothing when handling hot oil. Please use common sense peeps!)

I studied abroad in Aix-en-Provence when I was 16. That was nearly 10 years ago. I flew to France wearing size 0 jeans and when I returned those jeans were just a bit snug. I spent every moment of the 6 weeks trying to eat everything in sight… I loved it. The bread was delicious. The cheese was so good. The charcuterie was amazing… but what I loved most was those little candies that you could buy by the handful that were often green… sometimes black… but they were flavored with star anise. I love licorice. Love. Love. LOVE it. And as a candy-monster I spent my little centimes purchasing bags of these candies and comparing which tasted best. I’m pretty sure I was just a little cloud of star anise those six weeks (and probably the three weeks after I got to the states and was working through my stash of French candies). Occasionally, I see imported candies that resemble those amazing translucent green licorice candies… but I’m always disappointed to find that they are not exactly the candy I want.

One week before returning to the states, I went to a huge outdoor market and I stopped at a spice stand. The old man had every spice I had ever seen… and as most Americans I was concerned by the cleanliness of these open-air markets. It’s so warm, friendly, and homey… and exactly the opposite of our sterile grocery stores where everything is uniformly colored and perfectly polished. Anyway, I chatted in my broken French and asked him questions about all the little buckets of spices… and then I spotted the most beautiful star shaped spice. I asked him…. what is that?! And he told me that most Americans didn’t like it because it was star anise and tasted like licorice. Of course, I purchased a precious bag filled with those pretty star anise and cradled them all the way home. They were not shipped in my suitcase in cargo, but snuggled next to me on the plane along with my favorite almond croissants and a rather obscenely large bag of green licorice candies.

Since returning from that trip when I fell even more in love with star anise and anything licorice flavored… star anise has been popping up more and more. When I first returned I hoarded my little bag of star anise… in fact I still have a couple little stars left from that fateful market day. No star anise purchased in the States has the same delicate aroma or flavor as those stars I bought in France. Regardless, I urge you all to try incorporating star anise into your cooking and baking. I recently made candied kumquats and tossed a few of my precious French anise into the syrup. They kumquats take on the anise flavor, and somehow become even more delicious. It’s not quite citrus, but instead this exotic candy that you’ve never experienced before.

If you have the pleasure of find whole star anise, I suggest tossing a few stars into boiling water and allowing it to steep for several minutes. Stir in a bit of honey and you will have a beautiful tea. Forget the idea that it will taste like black licorice… it’s more floral and delicate that those disgusting black ropes of molasses licorice.